Feeling tired, run down and grumpy this week.
Focusing on good things:
My house is 85% unfucked. All that’s left for the upstairs is a brutal purge of my library, of which I’ve already completed stage one. I’m getting rid of a bunch of Urban Fantasy and Romances on the basis that I haven’t really been interested in either of those genres for a couple of years. Of course, knowing me, as soon as I drop them off at the library, I will be seized by a compulsive craving for all of the Urban Fantasy and Romance. Oh brain, you continue to delight. Following that, I can get some boxes and start packing away the stuff I don’t see myself using in the next 3-4 months (my hopeful timeline to move).
The new roomie has been amazing and helpful on this front. I’m offering her a sweet, sweet rental discount to take care of the cleaning and whatnot while I’m organizing, and she’s been so productive that I feel a bit like a lazy slug. She’s kept her side of the bargain regarding not judging me for my laissez-faire attitude towards household chores and I have so much hope that this will work out for both of us. (Don’t say anything, but I totally would have let her live with me for free if I thought her pride would let her. It’s not like I really need the extra money at this point, though it is nice. I’m funneling it into a moving costs account for now.)
My QA manager has offered to help me do some simple landscaping to improve the resale value on my house. I hate yardwork, but I’m willing to do it with help. That actually sums up most of my existence, it seems. By myself, I flounder and put things off. If I have help, even something as simple as somebody just being there, I’m better able to focus and actually get things done.
I’m going on vacation next week with a friend of mine. I’m meeting her in Saskatoon and we’re dashing through to Banff for a couple of days. She’s never been to Canada, so I’m going to try to give her the Ultimate Canadian Experience. So far that means Northern Lights and Tim Horton’s and Playoff Hockey. It’s a start! I can probably find some good beer along the way too… I’m looking forward to this and I really feel like I just need to be away for a bit.
There’s a craft beer festival happening this weekend. I have tickets for Friday and Saturday and a list of beers I want to try. I haven’t really drank since February when I got diagnosed, so I’m not sure what my alcohol tolerance is like anymore. I guess we’ll find out J
The Blackhawks have made the Stanley Cup Finals. My buddy Geoff now owes me three six-packs and dinner because he was silly and bet on LA. Game 1 is tomorrow and we will see how the quick and deep Hawks face off against the rugged and deep Bruins with their magic goalie and strong defensive play. It will be a good series, either way.
I found this quote about ADHD and it makes all of the sense to me: ”ADD/ADHD isn’t about the big disruptive things that people do. It’s best defined by the little things that shouldn’t be so hard.”
I’m still making art, and even if I’m not really finishing anything, I’m also not feeling like I’m going to be abandoning anything that I have in process. I’m just taking my sweet time and working on things in small sessions as my attention span dictates. It’s a strange thing, not pressuring myself to finish, finish, finish, now, now, now. It’s a hobby. I like doing it. There are no deadlines.
As mentioned above, tired. Run down. Low grade depression, no real reason – or rather, not very good ones.
I’m frustrated at work because things are getting kind of slow and our monthly projections for the summer months look grim. We should pick up again in the fall, but the summer’s going to be very challenging. We’ve also refocused our priority to quality over on time delivery, meaning things are slowing down as far as getting product out the door and there’s been a fairly significant uptick in rework. Because of this, everyone’s pretty stressed out and some people are taking it worse than others. The low level passive aggressive resistance to change from my shop foreman wears on me.
I’m also going to see my BFF(?) for the first time in ages on Friday, for the craft beer fest, and I don’t know. I just don’t know what’s going on. I’m going to ask him and brace myself for the possibility that this conversation will end our friendship, or at least downgrade it considerably. I have some theories as to why our relationship has degraded to this point, but I’m not certain that I’m not just being paranoid. Still, I know what I need from my friends, and if he can’t be that person for me anymore, I need to know so that I can stop hoping for things to get better.
Somewhat related to the above, an ex that I’d have been happy to never see or hear from again has recently moved back into the area. It probably explains why I haven’t seen or heard from BFF and that group of friends. I also have a sneaking suspicion that BFF is moving in with douchebag ex based on a few conversations that I’ve had with others who aren’t aware of the history there. Which makes me feel kind of shitty and betrayed. Though since I don’t know for sure, I’m trying to not dwell on it. Try being the operative word.
If it is true, I definitely need to re-evaluate. The ex was a major sleaze bag and I don’t care how many new leafs he’s supposedly turned over, there’s some shit that I shouldn’t be expected to forgive.
I realized after my last session that I don’t trust my new psychiatrist. I have no good reason for this. I don’t get any creepy crawly feelings from him. It might be something as simple as the fact that he’s a dude. It might be a general distrust for his profession. Both sessions I’ve had with him, I haven’t brought up any serious issues or been willing to explore anything with him beyond simple declarative statements. Like this happened, but I don’t want to talk about it. Or, this happened but I think I’ve already talked about that enough. I’ve kept things very superficial, status updates on medication (Concerta good, lamictal OK, should probably increase dosage) and just general mood updates. This probably isn’t a good strategy for long term treatment. I think I’m going to bring it up next time I talk to him and see what he has to say. I don’t have a reason to distrust him, he’s been kind and willing to listen and work with me instead of dictating to me. I’d like to give him an honest go.
I internalize a lot. I’m not really used to talking about things with other people and soliciting feedback. Even the stuff I put out and share via blog posts tends to be more along the lines of me sounding things out for myself. I don’t like being challenged on my internal “truths”, if you will. It makes me angry and my immediate, knee-jerk reaction to someone suggesting I don’t know my own mind or that I’ve misinterpreted something is more along the lines of “FUCK YOU YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD” than “That’s an interesting perspective, I will have to think about it.” I’m guessing this is yet another aspect of my trust and intimacy issues.
*sigh* Quick and dirty summary – there’s a lot of work to be done and I’m not certain that I’m up to it.
(today’s recommended link: FUCK. Thank you WordPress :) )
ETA: Forgot a good AND a bad
Good – since roomie has arrived, I’ve been smoking outside instead of in the house. As a result, my smoking has been cut in half. \o/
Bad – yesterday it came out in the morning production meeting that I had made a mistake on cut lengths on a work order. My boss asked that from now on, I should consult with him or my foreman before approving cut lengths. I asked if instead we could make the assumption that I am an intelligent, competent adult who is capable of learning and they could give me the new guidelines and I would modify my process accordingly without having run every little thing by them for approval. I mean, it’s not like I’ve been doing this job for seven fucking years, or anything. So frustrating. Grr. At least I made my point.