What’s the Opposite of Domestic Goddess?

I have feelings and introspections to share and confessions to make.

What I don’t have is time.

I have a new roommate starting on Tuesday and I haven’t even started cleaning my house. I know that doesn’t seem like such a huge endeavour, but when I got depressed, I stopped cleaning. Period.

My house now looks like a feature in one of those exploitative reality tv series that people gawk at and shake their heads while tut-tuting and feeling immensely superior. “How can anybody live this way?” they ask with scorn masked as pity masked as disbelief. “How could she let it get that out of control?”

It’s actually surprisingly easy.

Take one part depression, and with it the apathy that prevents you from caring what’s going on around you. Mix it with feelings of worthlessness so that even if you do recognize that things are getting bad, you’re not going to fix it because you don’t deserve to fix it. This one’s fun because it actually feeds on itself to keep growing, you feel more worthless as things go downhill, and obviously things are crashing so dramatically because you’re worthless. Toss in a healthy(haha) helping of despair because nothing actually matters anyway, and it never will, so why clean?

And POOF! Next thing you know, you’re up to your ears in unopened mail and tripping over laundry and there’s that smell coming from your kitchen sink that makes you gag so you just stop going in the kitchen, it’s not like you cook anyway.

It’s a scarily organic progression, to be honest. Add in the ADHD and the busy and the stressful job and I’m probably more vulnerable to this particular cycle than most.

But you’ve been so much better lately!

Well, sort of? Yes? Mostly?

But I look at the mess I’ve made and I am overwhelmed. Where do I even start? Are there going to be spiders under there? Oh god, why did I think that? There’s so much to do, and objectively it might not take that long, really, in me-hours. But focus on the menial and the mundane isn’t something that I can sustain consistently, so a 20 minute task becomes an hour and that gets really discouraging really fast.

It will never end and I will have to do this again very soon. D=

So it’s been easier to throw myself into anything else and just avoid it a little longer.

Which I kind of can’t do anymore. Because roommate. (Who actually understands my myriad issues and understands depression and apathy and is mostly prepared for the feat that is Making My House Sellable but I don’t want her to show up to Nightmare Squalor Manor and have to dig her own space out of the rubbish)

So yeah, if you don’t hear from me for a week or two, just assume that I’ve inadvertently mixed chlorine and ammonia and accidentally gassed myself and dial 911. Or, you know. Figure I’m cleaning.

If you do hear from me before then, and the first thing I say isn’t I FINALLY CLEANED MY FUCKING HOUSE, feel free to link me back to this post and remind me that Future Roommate Deserves Better (even if I don’t always think I do).

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About braineatsbrain

Recently diagnosed with bipolar. Twice. This is where I'm going to try to make sense of that. Expect introspection, unfocused anger, and random art.
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3 Responses to What’s the Opposite of Domestic Goddess?

  1. I totally give you permission (not that you need it, but if you want it, you’ve got it) to hire a cleaning service to tackle at least part of the house. I hate hate hate laundry, and I gladly pay a nice lady $20.00 a week to do mine for me. It makes me way less depressed to know that I don’t have to do something “adult” that I hate, and it leaves me time to, you know, cook. Blog. Take pictures. Write. Vacuum, which I don’t mind so much. (And sometimes, I even do laundry myself now, just knowing that I could give it to someone else instead is really freeing, but most of the time, I still drop it off. The lack of mental I DON’T WANT TO is worth it. I am all about reduction in my brain yelling at me.)

    Money doesn’t grow on trees, no it does not, but if $50 or $100 to a maid service helps put a dent in the mess in the kitchen/living room/bathroom (you could have them batch all the mail into baskets, so at least it’s all in one place, same thing with the books, cds, magazines, other things…) room of your choice, dude, it will all look way more manageable.

    I did this when my mother in law passed away and the sheer task of cleaning her whole house was too much for any of us– having someone unattached to the stuff go through and tidy and sort and do a first pass dust/wipe/mop so that then the mail was in one see-through plastic tub, the Reader’s Digest Books were in another, etc., etc., made it way easier to contend with. And if they knock out some of the work (and you can stand having a stranger handle your stuff) then hopefully the rest of it will be less overwhelming seeming and less distracting and time & soul sucking.

    (Much love.)

  2. Raeyn says:

    Oooh, The Curmudgeonly one makes a great point. If you can afford it, that is. Better than losing the plot! :D

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