Oblivious Me

I say that I’m really bad at tracking my moods because everything I feel seems normal to me. This extends to my physical state as well. If I’m not actively looking for patterns, everything just sort of blends together into a dull hum of this is how I am, therefore this is how I should be. In short, I’m kind of an idiot sometimes. Unless it’s something immediate and traumatic and incredibly, obviously wrong, I don’t really pick up on it.

Mentioned here a couple of times – I run out of steam halfway through the day. I’m sleeping more, I have lots of energy until mid-afternoon, then everything slows down and I start to feel like I’m swimming through soup. I even mentioned that it seems odd in light of how well I’m sleeping. Last week I found out I was anemic. Which also seemed odd because I didn’t feel particularly tired. At 11:00 am when I got the phone call.

And lo, the light of epiphany has struck. It’s coming up to 3:30 and I’m fighting to stay awake right now, again with no good reason and it just occurred to me that “Hey! I’m unusually tired! Isn’t there something that I recently found out that would explain this?”


Reason #9000000 why it’s probably a good idea for me to keep up with this blog. I’m only good at spotting patterns when I have actual data to refer to XD


(Unrelated to any of this, Gutter Guy came by last night to clean out my eaves troughs. I wish I had a picture of his face when he realized that I was not exaggerating when I described the job over the phone. He looked at me like I was an airhead when I told him I was afraid of heights and spiders and that was why I hadn’t done it myself. Whatever, dude. You wouldn’t be here without my unreasonable phobias and I wouldn’t be paying you the full amount from your first offer even though you gave me an opening to haggle you down because I knew it was a gross job that was going to be harder than it should be because I am the Worst Homeowner Ever. Stop judging me and get to work.)


About braineatsbrain

Recently diagnosed with bipolar. Twice. This is where I'm going to try to make sense of that. Expect introspection, unfocused anger, and random art.
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7 Responses to Oblivious Me

  1. Raeyn says:

    Blogging daily has done me a lot of good with -trying- to keep track of moods. Emphasis on try — you’re the one living them, so it’s definitely a bit forest for the trees.

    • Absolutely. When I was first diagnosed in February, I resisted it pretty strongly. Partly because the psychiatrist was a raging asshat, but also because I didn’t see it. Sure, I got depressed sometimes, but I have some really good reasons. Sure I get hyper and unfocused and impulsive, but that’s just who I am! Etc, etc, etc.

      It was going back through my old journals and blog entries and seeing the patterns (Suicidal September seems to be a Thing for me) that made me stop and reconsider my stubborn resistance.

      [side note – I have a lot of feelings about your last post on the stigma of mental illness. So many feelings that I couldn’t coherent at you. If this was Tumblr I would have found all of the dancing gifs and reblogged with YES THIS. When I can put my thoughts together like a grown up, with words and stuff, I’ll be back XD]

      • Raeyn says:

        I certainly look forward to hearing organized feels as they come. And while I can’t handle Tumblr in large doses, I do appreciate how working with the gif medium can work well for translating brain-to-English. :)

      • Yeah, Tumblr’s format stresses me out (like actively makes me an anxious mess of overstimulated goo), but the brain-to-english gifs (thank you for this, I am stealing it. It is mine now XD) are invaluable.

        Now I feel all paranoid. Expectations of coherency? That people look forward too? EEEEEEEEE. SO MUCH PRESSURE. (I’ll try. I have a horrible habit of starting with a clear point in mind and then talking myself around to the complete opposite of what I thought I was going to say by the end of a writing, because I process as I write. It gets kind of garbled and can take a while to sort out. THANKS, BRAIN. YOU’RE AWESOME AS ALWAYS. <3)

      • Raeyn says:

        I keep thinking about making a shirt that says ‘Brains suck’, but all the neurotypical folk would take it the wrong way.

        And deity, speaking of cogent, I’m posting something tomorrow that might get me set on fire by some parties. I’ve done my best to write a fair and kind post, but well… you’ll see. I don’t normally pre-write (my brain doesn’t like that, it wants stuff out nownownownownow), but I think I need a sleep before putting it out there.

  2. Dude, you are so much more self-aware in your journey at this stage of things than I ever was. I really can’t tell you how awesome you are, and how much work you’re doing, and all of that validation-ish stuff, because really. Really. Sometimes it takes me weeks before I realize shit, even with writing it down, and all you can do is not beat yourself up and just say– hey, I realized that before it became a disastrous clusterfuck of illness or suicidality, so hey, yeah, go me.

    Don’t expect too much of yourself. And that’s different from low expectations. Because you’re allowed to be human and anemic and pay the gutter guy to deal with the spiders. (He probably has a loathing of parsnips or a fear of crowds, and thereby seeks solace working alone on rooftops all day.)

    (Also writing with a major headache and no sleep but wanting to catch up on your blog so… <3)

    • Sorry to hear about the headache, headaches are all of the suck and none of the joy.

      And yeah, I’m definitely glad I figured it out, even though the bloodwork caught it and we’ve been treating it ever since, it’s still nice to know why I’m so bloody tired.

      And for my low bar victory(?) for the day, I am refusing to feel bad that I had to cancel the plans I made tonight, because I’m tired and sluggish and I just kind of want to go home and be still for a bit. Self awareness means knowing your limits too, yeah? And my body is telling me it really doesn’t want to drive 45 minutes and socialize for a couple of hours and then drive another 45 minutes after that. We’re quite firm on this point.

      I think my friend will understand. If not, well, I’m getting lots of practice these days on trimming out the people who won’t. (ETA – I called her, she’s totally cool with it and told me to rest up and take care of myself <3 <3 <3 )

      Going forward, until this gets better, it's probably best if I don't make plans for anything energetic/time consuming on weekday evenings.

      And as for Gutter Guy. Fuck him. He amused me more than anything. I'm well past the point of feeling ashamed by my apathy towards home ownership & maintenance. I know I hate it, I'm happy that I'm finally at the point where I'm able to do something about it (even if it is just paying somebody to take care of it for me. I'm obviously not the only person who feels this way. Apparently there's a whole industry of people who get paid to take care of the stupid shit around the house that nobody else want to do! *GASP*), and in a couple more months (fingers crossed) it will not be my problem anymore. Basically, come at me, bro. I have no fucks to give about what some random dude thinks about me or my gutters. ;)

      Hope you feel better soon. Also, listen to your own advice here, please. You're awesome, lady. I have so much respect and admiration for you that I can't even word. <3

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