I’m doing really well on the whole sleeping-like-a-normal-person front (Nightly average 6.2 hours! I have an app for this. There are graphs), but I notice that I really run out of steam a lot earlier in the day. It’s 2:30 here and I’ve only been at work for 6 hours but all I can think of is how much I would like a nap.
It probably doesn’t help that I’ve made the switch to decaf, but this seems extreme. I usually start flagging around 4 and get my second wind around 5:30-6:00, so hopefully the early lazies will translate into an earlier evening activation too, but I haven’t really observed this yet.
Beyond the sleepies, last night was my first time volunteering in years and it went really well. I went by myself and while there was a little bit of awkward turtling, I did manage to talk to a few new people and didn’t have any serious social anxiety issues. I also had a lot of fun, but next time I’m bringing a sketchbook or a book-book because while there were some seriously hectic moments, there was also a lot of downtime and my phone ran out of charge halfway through. Regardless, it felt good to volunteer again and I’m going to try to do more over the course of the spring and summer.
After the playoffs ;)
As far as the Lamictal goes, I’m in a phase where I’m questioning if I even have bipolar disorder which means I should probably do a better job of cataloging my moods. I feel good now, but 2 weeks ago I was getting suicidal again. January and February were a low key sort of brutal where because I didn’t feel as bad as I have in the past, I didn’t think it was all that bad until I stopped feeling awful after starting treatment.
I need to let go of the idea that not that bad is good enough. I need to learn how to want and try for better than “not terrible”.
Right now, that’s taking pills to limit the episodes where I slide too far down to see clearly. It’s paying attention to my mood. It’s being mindful that it is a cycle.
And part of my problem seeing this is that it all feels so normal and natural, whatever state I’m in. Of course I’m depressed, my life is terrible. Of course I’m excited, life is amazing. Maybe it’s because it’s so transient and inconsistent that I so easily switch gears to Tenacity Mode where I ignore everything entirely non-essential (and maybe feeling good shouldn’t be one of the first things I’m willing to cut) in favour of just getting through.
I’m tired of just existing and making it and getting through the day. I want to thrive.
Ignoring how I’m feeling because I know it won’t last is a valid coping mechanism. It has gotten me through some pretty dark times before. But it’s not really conducive to doing more than surviving. I need better tools.