I think the new shrink is actually going to be a good one. He understands the intersectionality and grey areas of mental illnesses, including mitigating factors. He mentioned, without prompting, that “symptoms” can sometimes be personality traits. He hates checklists! He didn’t make me fill out any checklists! He actually talked to me and didn’t try to guide my answers to fit his pet theory. He didn’t get pissy with me when I challenged something he said. When the interview was over, he didn’t have a firm, concrete diagnosis but said that something along the bipolar spectrum was likely, although he wasn’t convinced that it was bipolar 1. He thinks continuing with lamictal was a good idea because of the positive results I had seen in the beginning and he believes that my current depressive skid has more to do with stress than bipolar depression, per se.
He also agreed that because of the shitshow that was going on in September/October for me AND because my history with suicidal ideation goes back a lot further than just starting Concerta, that I should be OK to start taking it again, so long as we monitor it.
I got my Concerta back. He wrote me a script for two months worth of the 36mg, which is the dosage that I had the best results at. I might even be able to sit through an entire movie now without wandering off. Maybe even stop walking into a room and forgetting why I’m there. Complete a fucking project at work. Finish reading the book about ADHD that I’ve been too distracted to get any traction with? (There’s a joke in there somewhere.)
Maybe even write something? That requires research?
Work still sucks, but I had a meeting with my boss today and he admitted that he’s been out of line for the past couple of weeks and he’s going to try to rein it in and stop being such a fucking asshole. He’s stressed, I get it, we’re all stressed. But his behaviour in the last month or so has bordered on abusive, not just towards me, not even mostly towards me, but to the rest of the management team as well. And he recognized that. He admitted it.
Let’s hope he fixes it.
I feel a lot better right now than I did this morning. Relief. That’s what this feeling is.