Titles are for chumps

Bad day. Going to hermit and eat my feelings. Hopefully better tomorrow.
I’ve been fucking up a lot at work and I feel overwhelmed and useless. I’m trying not to be hard on myself, but I feel like I’ve been too easy on myself at the same time. Jerk brain wants me to suffer for my sins and then it gets upset when I do.
I hate this and I want to cry. I’m anxious and irritable and I don’t know if this is a new cycle or a bad day and I don’t know how to tell either way. It takes time to get this info, but the process sucks donkey balls.
My immediate impulse is to quit my job because I can’t do it anymore and run away. Somewhere. Preferably without snow.
I won’t. (I can’t.) But fuck me, do I want to.

About braineatsbrain

Recently diagnosed with bipolar. Twice. This is where I'm going to try to make sense of that. Expect introspection, unfocused anger, and random art.
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5 Responses to Titles are for chumps

  1. You can do it. And everyone has shitty times at work, though I hope this passes soon. Can you take 1 mental health day and promise yourself to get the hell out of the house and see an exhibit or go to a garden or do something productively nonproductive? (And/or what does a therapist if you’ve got one yet say, or what does any attempt at writing a story tell you when your projected feelings get all over your characterization, hah…) IDK, dude, but you can always email me just to vent.

    • I tried to write you but I had one of my stupid “I can’t even look at my email” moments. I spent the weekend holed up and waiting for it to be over. I feel kind of better today, but still anxious. I don’t know if I’ll be able to take any time off in the near future. I think I’ve officially flipped the switch to “survival mode” where I just hold the pattern until the worst is over.

      I’ll try to write something better tonight. I have a lot of venting.

      • There’s a concept in the blogosphere that not enough people know about called “blogging without obligation.” You should write what you want to write, when you want to write, and only then. If it’s a list, or a snapshot of a sticky note, or a doodle, that’s all cool. It’s your blog, do what you want with it. I know there’s a counter-weight/argument/peer pressure like whoa in blogging and other social aspects of the internet (cough lj etc. cough) about commenting back and visiting back and friending back and participating in memes and awards and all of that stuff, but I don’t think it’s always healthy– if it isn’t sincere, or if it makes you feel like you have to produce and then you feel stressed, don’t fucking do it. Let people label you “antisocial,” whatthefuckever. If you don’t want to do it, my dear, then just don’t.

        TL; DR, it’s your blog, your safe space to vent however & whenever you want, and you should only put stuff here for the reasons you started– not because of some external audience’s expectations, real or perceived. I visit because I like you and want things to be well in your life, but I don’t give a shit about the frequency or format of your posts– just that you’re around and well enough to post at all. *hugs*

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