For Real Quick and Dirty

I was supposed to titrate up on Lamictal today, but considering that my distractibility seems to intensify and it gets harder to focus as the week goes on, I decided to wait until Saturday morning so I’d have two non-work days to acclimate to the dosage change. Hopefully that helps me settle.

I’m really scattered and restless today. Not depressed, not exactly, but anxious? I feel like I’m about to get caught for something I don’t remember doing, if that makes sense. I don’t know if this is ADHD or a reaction to the meds or a symptom of bipolar or because my period started today and I’m extra bloated and sore (also, I read a study that said female hormone fluctuations can fuck up how you react to meds every month. Need to ask my doctor), but I don’t like it much. I feel twitchy and uneasy in my own skin.

Work is stressful right now. There’s a lot happening and a lot I’m not getting done and that stresses me out even more. And when I’m stressed, I’m even more unfocused and more unproductive and then that of course adds to my ouroboros of stress feeding itself.  I have to force myself to take breaks and not try to stay late every night trying to catch up at the expense of my sanity.

No sign of the RASH yet, and the itchies are gone for now. Headache still lurking but not manifesting. Really just want to go home and curl up around a warm cat.

 

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About braineatsbrain

Recently diagnosed with bipolar. Twice. This is where I'm going to try to make sense of that. Expect introspection, unfocused anger, and random art.
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3 Responses to For Real Quick and Dirty

  1. fingers crossed that things are so far so stable, as these things go. hope the kitty is warm and relieving. <3

    • <3

      The kitties were both wonderful and warm and soothing. We had a snuggle pile in my bed and I read a huge chunk of An Unquiet Mind. Not particularly soothing in and of itself, but oddly validating?

      It’s nice to have a shorthand term for my whimsical spending habits: Champagne Taste Mania. It’s odd. 90% of the time I’m a miser, then I’ll suddenly turn around and blow my paycheque on a trip I can’t really afford or books I won’t read (and it’s never a book when I’m in this mode, it’s ALL OF THE BOOKS, on subjects I’m only casually interested in, at best. In that moment.) or fitness equipment that I won’t actually use.

      Also, the bit where she`s talking about throwing books at the wall in frustration because nothing is actually sticking in her brain? I’ve been there. I am still there a lot of the time. It both sucks to realize that it’s a real phenomenon and is relieving to know that it’s a real phenomenon at the same time.

      But, on the other hand, it gives me a fantastic excuse (not that I really needed one) to reread my Tamora Pierce novels :)

      • I will take validation over there-there head petting any day. : ) I have Background Childhood Trauma Triggers that feed my Champagne Spending Sprees, too, but yeah, there’s a reason (now) why I limit myself to a debit card and a prepaid credit card that I never use and is only for emergency plane fares.

        Tamora Pierce is always worth re-reading, though my Tamora Pierce is Robin McKinley’s Damar novels and her other fairy tale retellings, with an occasional dip back into the first few of Lois McMaster Bujold’s Chalion books. : )

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