Feeling pretty good today. I got 7 hours of sleep last night, which is pretty spectacular for me, and I’ve had a fairly productive day so far. The stuff that I struggled with for three hours on Friday and eventually gave up on only took me an hour to clean up this morning.
I want this level of clarity and focus to be sustainable for me. I’m really hoping that I continue to see positive results with the Lamictal so that I can go back on something for the ADHD (maybe Adderall this time? I like not being suicidal and the risk of suicidality on Adderall is supposedly lower than with Concerta). I’m trying to picture what a stabler, happier, more focused me would be like and I’m not even sure I can really conceive it. I think it would be like when I got laser eye surgery to correct myopia. I realized that my life was going to be different but I had no concept of just how much I depended on glasses until I no longer needed them. Things I never even thought of as difficult or annoying because I was just so used to doing them as a person who wears glasses became noticeably, remarkably easier. I could see my legs in the shower when I was shaving, so I didn’t have to go over them again after the steam had dissipated from the bathroom and I could wear my glasses. If I woke up in the middle of the night, I could just glance at my clock and see what time it was instead of fumbling about for my glasses and putting them on before I could check. Simple, little things which made the world a little easier to navigate.
It’s what I wanted when I started treatment for the ADHD in August. I still want to get there. It does sound nice.
As far as side effects go for the day, I’m still almost-headachy, trying to keep it at bay with hydration so I’m also still peeing all the time. Like now. I should go pee again, right now.
I’m still itchy, though not as bad as yesterday. I bought a new unscented lotion and I slathered it on this morning. It seems to have helped.
I’ve been kind of dizzy a couple of times today. Not serious like I was on the verge of passing out, but more just a little less balanced than I normally am. It was actually a weird feeling, I’m not sure that dizzy quite covers it. It felt the same way that I did when I was struggling to verbalize my thoughts last week, only with regards to standing upright. The same kind of search process running in the background, maybe? It felt a little bit like I was drunk and trying to fake sober so my parents wouldn’t ground me (ah, high school). Strange, but not unexpected.
My appetite is not particularly good right now, but I seem to have a compulsion to stuff my face with food anyway, even if I’m not actually hungry. I need to make sure that I have lots of fruit on hand at home so I’m at least gorging on things that are good for me, but I need to try to keep a lid on this. I don’t want to get any fatter, thanks.
My energy levels are really good, although I seem to hit a wall around 4pm every day. I’m good again around 6, but those 2 hours are like swimming though soup.
Overall, still feeling positive about the whole process. Still rash free (YAY).
Under the heading of Actually Doing the Work, this week (well, this month really) I’ve tried to focus on reaching out to people and rekindling my connections to friends and the family that I can tolerate. I’ve spoken to and met up with several people, let them know about my diagnosis and what options I am taking (and have had successful conversations with the same people that have nothing to do with this as well! Please, please, please friends that read this blog DO NOT let me become one of those people who can only talk about their illness). I’m making an effort to not cut myself off from the world and I’m trying to talk to someone every day, be it over the phone, in person or via email so I don’t start to feel isolated and alone. It’s been going really well. Yesterday, one of my best friends, whose reactions so far have been… disappointing, actually asked me about how the medication was working for me (unprompted!) and managed to navigate the entire conversation without sticking his foot in it or making me want to punch him/cry. I am calling this progress!
For both of us, really. :)